The relationship with my son.

When I was growing up, I had good parents. My Mother was and still is, always there for me. My dad was not the kind of a man I would consider a very loving dad. He nonetheless did what he could do, the best way he could, but I expected a father to be much more and  he fell short in that department.
However, it was because of the way he was that made me who I am today with my son. Now granted it also requires the son to be of a certain temperament for that to gel so to speak, so definitely all the blame cannot and will not go to my father. But I learned a VERY  IMPORTANT FACT about raising a child. First one must understand that recognition of situations in the family comes first from me. SIGHT AND HEARING AND NEED.  One cannot expect a child to recognize errors and direction if he has not been in this world for very long and it is unjust to expect the adults good judgment  actions from a child. Therefore we must watch body language, The body language will tell you if they understands situations or not by the confused look in their eyes or their apprehension by fidgeting. We must listen because they will tell you indirectly how they feel about such things that they are concerned with even if to you it is trivial. But NEED, ( THAT ) is were we fail in as parents because need is a driving agent for an outcome. Need drives everyone to do things that manifest itself in a wide variety of ways, and it is the failure to see the needs of those that cause them to make choices that effect them and everyone else. Think about it. When you are hungry, you eat . Get hungry enough and you will do something drastic to fill the need. When you are lonely, you will set yourself up for a downfall just to be wanted. Even revenge is an inner need that requires satisfaction .
BUT A CHILD, the child is ALL ABOUT NEED. His strongest need is ( in MY opinion ) a friend.
Human nature resents obligation by force and a child is HUMAN and though the things we do are for the good of the child, they only see force. BUT!!!! if you are their friend then they will except the advice given if given as a friend. It was easier for me as a parent because my son IS AND ALWAYS HAS BEEN MY BEST FRIEND. Friends do things for each other that they would not normally do otherwise. And I have ALWAYS told my son that he is my best friend and that no one can take his place BUT that I am also his father and that a father must correct his child when no other options can be found. Most importantly!!! Speak to them as they are your equal, FOR THEY ARE. They are the better part of you but your equal and they WILL see that. Your words are the creators of the future and they are your future. MY DAD use to grab a belt, switch  or anything he could find that wouldn't actually kill us and then beat us until he felt vindicated. The way I chose to do things was FIRST make my son my best friend. Secondly, if it came down to chastisement, the way I did it went like this. I would tell him not to do something and then explain WHY I didn't want him to do it and then reaffirmed that it was because he is my best friend and that I loved him and didn't want him to get hurt. I would ask him if he understood what the reasoning for my stopping him and he would say yes or no. We would work through the whys until he had no question about it because, questions always need answers either by the parent explaining or they will get their answers on their own. And that can be a bad thing sometimes. If he did it again , I would go through the whole process again BUT with a promise at the end. That should he do it again, then as his Father I would have to punish him. HERE IT IS VERY IMPORTANT. IF YOU PROMISE ANYTHING TO YOUR CHILDREN, KEEP IT!!!
When he did it again THAT'S when I would chastise him, but in no way as my Father did to me. I would give him a swat with the belt, one for each time I told him not to do it. It NEVER went pass three. BEFORE I would carry out the punishment I would go through the whole process again only now I had to tell him that I had to keep my promise to him and chastise him for his actions because I had given my word and I had to keep it, but MOST IMPORTANTLY was that I loved him.
He grew up with this type of teachings and he never gave me any problems as I did to my Father.
Teachers begged me not to leave and take him, He graduated early and had an  President of the United States letter of invitation that certain students get to go to meet the President and others. He is an artist, has written a script or to and has everyone's affection . The sad part for him is that the only girl he has ever loved could not see his value. And though that to me is truly an insult, His words to me were, You can't make someone love you dad. How true I think but how sad that she would throw away a chance to know a real man such as he, for he is a far better man than I could EVER be.  Love your children but make them your best friends as a Parent. It is easier to be a Parent when you are the best of friends.           ...................Ted